when?

assalamualaikum.

tell me exactly, how can you ever even remotely look at yourself after you had almost killed someone else's child? tell me exactly, how.

because i certainly can't.

at first, Good God Gracious Alhamdulillah! i couldn't ask for anything more when i found out that she was out of the critical ward and recovering without any major harm done. none of her bones were broken and her brain was not injured. i cried out of relief. you can never imagine my happiness. i prayed and prayed and prayed for her well-being and my prayers were answered by Most Gracious Allah swt.

but then...

this is the part where i can't breathe anymore. where i can never forgive myself.

i went to visit her last sunday and ya Allah. her face. her beautiful face.

i just can't.

i never ever hit a person until they were bruised or scarred but this girl, Ya Allah, her cheek has this jahitan so long, you can't un-see it. above her eyelid and of course her lips. ya Allah. ya Allah.

at that moment,  i can't breathe, i can't speak, i can't live. when her mother asked her does she know me. she said yes. then her mother asked, who? she answered as soft as a whisper, 'yang langgar.'

'Yang Langgar.'

those words keep on chasing me till now. i did that to her. I DID THAT TO HER! if it was not for me, she would have not been like that. i know it is wrong to think of it like that. this is Allah's plan and i am suppose to be all redha about this. but how can i look at her without thinking that it was me. i was the person who shaped her to be and to look like that. how can i not blame myself for this?

'Yang Langgar.'

how can i live with that fact? ya Allah i am beyond thankful that she's alive but..... it looks unfair from  the outside.

people see it like this; she is badly injured while i don't even have a fucking scratch on me, what would people assume and presume? sure, yeah, all of these, yes, these, happened because of me. ENTIRELY MY FUCKING FAULT. yep. yep. yep. my fault. because;

1. she was driving a  motorcycle while i was driving fucking fancily in a fucking car.
2. she is a school student with a licence.
3.i was the one making the u-turn without noticing her and her speed.
4. she is the ONLY one who is injured.

yep, entirely my fault.

then, it starts to hurt even more when i see these kind of tweets;

'kepada yang membuat u-turn, lain kali bagilah signal, tengok semua cermin baru pusing dengan selamat.'

'nyawa budak tu.'

'kemalangan jalan raya boleh berlaku tiba-tiba. kenalah berhati-hati lebih sikit.'

'kepada yang membuat u-turn...'

'kepada yang membuat u-turn......'

heh.

you guys know that it was me who fucking did the u-turn. tag jelah aku. apa susah? tak payah nak cover sangat by being so discreet and everything, you know me, you considered me as your friend  too, why not tell  it straight to my face instead of tweeting it like that.

memanglah aku saja-saja nak langgar dia. memanglah hobi aku ni saja nak crash kan motor dengan pintu driver aku. memanglah aku ni suka sangat nak ambil nyawa nyawa orang yang i don't even know. memanglah kan?

don't you know how bad this is hurting me? don't you that it is killing me inside? don't you know that i can't even close my eyes nowadays without picturing her? don't you know that i can't even get in a car without feeling sick? don't you know that when i see a motorcyle so fast passing through i keep telling myself to go to the middle of the road and say, 'this is my turn. come at me bro.'? don't you know that even though i have no scratch whatsoever on me, i am dying?

don't you know that?

don't you know that i can't even look at myself without feeling disgusted? don't you know that i am so fucking ashamed to be alive? don't you know that i can't do this? don't you know that i am not strong at all?

don't you know that?

this is hurting me like crazy? this guilt is killing me. don't you know that i haven't thought that if suicide wasn't the biggest sin a man can do, i might have done it? don't you know how much i want to hurt myself so she is not the only one who is injured?

don't you know that?

please, Siti Aishah Bt Mohd Shamsuri, be strong. i  need you to be strong. i don't care if you want to put all the blames on me, or you don't even want to forgive me, or you don't want to look at me or you want to hate me. i can live with that. but be okay. i pray to Allah for you health and your safety. be fine.

as for me, all i can think nowadays is;

when is my turn to be smashed?

jazmin

i haven't slept in three days now. so pardon my profanities and ignore my anger. for all i know, i am dead now.