i can't help but to look at myself and feel nothing but disgust and hatred.
it is not insecurities of any sorts. just pure disgust.
how the hell am i suppose to face her?
what the fuck am i suppose to ask her?
"amacam aku langgar hari tu? okay dah?" pat on the back and smile?
itu?
don't tell me that i am a coward for not being able to face her or less than that, give her a call. because i already know that i am a coward. because if i face her, given the fact that she's alive (alhamdulillah) but she has scars, carved to her face. i can't look at that scar. not because it is ugly, no, it will remind me that i will not stop fucking up, even if i wanted to stop.
sometimes i act like none of these had happened, but...
right now, i just feel disgusted. i deserve the pain that God had bear me with.
sometimes i forget that it is so easy to kill and to be killed.
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