'em feelings

you know what, this is my blog and i can fucking write whatever the hell i want. so, i am going to write about what the i am feeling. because feelings and i do not mix well. so when i admit that i am sad, which is what i felt earlier, you can imagine me to be pretty fucking sad.

i have already started studying in this new university and it is such a nice place. the environment is so nice, you can just roll on the floor all day long and not have your clothes dirty. really. plus the facilities, let me tell you, entah, i don't really know, but it's very user-friendly. very.

but with all these pros i've been telling you, there are cons that i would like to share. and these are all about me. no, you don't have to read this shit all the way through. i just need to get these fucked up feelings of mine somewhere else, and nothing is better than writing. so  yes, you can stop reading now and close this tab if you want to. no offense will be taken.

like i had said, with the pros i've been telling you, there are cons that i would like to share, and these are all quite close to the chest. in my class, let me rephrase that, in the whole fucking program that i am taking, there are only four students. yes, i hope you read that crystal clear, FOUR. including myself. and all the three of them are girls, chinese, came from the same college (MCK), and to top it off with some bloody icing, they are all scholars. scholars. i have to compete with three chinese scholar girls whom had already studied together in the same not only college, but classroom. see how these facts are alienating me from them? i feel left out a bit. they are already a group of three and there's me. the underdog.

i've tried my very best to not feel sorry for myself because self-pity just disgust me, but when i look at them and  i compared them to me, i just know that i am going to be a fuck-up. come on, i am an average student, not that bad, but not that good either. meanwhile they are always good and never bad. after getting to know them, i know that they are the kind of person who studies hard. they will not get distracted easily and man........ i admitted my defeat even before i dared myself to battle. i just know that i am never going to as good as them.

i am not proud of this, but i cried my eyes out. because my parents are paying a lot for this and i know that i am never going to succeed beyond them. it was a bad moment.

but you know what, after looking back, i think that this opportunity is going to be good for me. i will learn a lot of field work more than anyone i know. i will be exposed to different kinds of elements. i will explore so many things, my head will be bursting with knowledge.

i realize that, i do not need to be a scholar (though it would be nice to be one), to be the best, to be on top, or anything. i just have to be me and absorb ever knowledge that going to be thrown at me. i know i have to compete but i think it's okay to not be the best among the best. i just have to be the best than i was before and it will be just as satisfying. and about the matter of not having friends because the three girls had already befriended one another before, and feeling left out and other shits, that will be nothing. i am jazmin. i will make friends. and i will survive.

i am jazmin, the new degree student and the underdog. but do you know what does all of the underdogs we know have in common?

success.

and so i shall succeed. Insya Allah (:

jazmin