Lama, bukan terlupa.

lama aku tak berkarang, jangan tuduh yang bukan bukan. bukannya aku kering idea, aku cuma kering masa walaupun konsep masa tidaklah sesahih yang kita harapkan tapi ya, aku kering masa.

sejak akhir akhir ni, aku rasa teruk. ya, aku gembira, cuma dalam gembira aku ada sedih. bukan jenis sedih yang biasa, jenis sedih yang rangkul jiwa kau dari belakang dan telan jiwa kau hidup hidup. tak, aku tak depressed. sudah lama aku keluar dari fasa, sudah lama aku lari mencari gembira dan menyorok di balik gembira supaya depression tak jumpa aku.

tapi, mahu tak mahu, i think he is luring, sniffing and searching for my existence again. i feel sad. really really and i emphasize, really fucking sad but for no reason whatsoever. it is like sometimes when i feel happy, i will always associate my happiness with something bad hence, that will make me burst into tears. for instance, i would think of an ice cream, which is something that i consider as happiness and in a split second, i would be thinking about how this ice cream would melt in my hand before i could even eat it and how that poor ice cream melt for nothing, died in vain and my money would be going down the drain and i would be thinking to smash that melting ice cream cone on the floor and smash it to pieces because it has wasted my precious time yet, i just want to lick it.

and that thought appear to me even before i bought the ice cream. can you catch my analogy? if not, let me present you another one. this happens before i ride a bus. everytime. by riding the bus home, i know that i will get to meet my family after a long day at college and that is, again, happiness. but then, in a split second i would be thinking how this bus could crash and i would be dead in the matter of seconds without getting the chance to meet my family for the last time. or maybe, my family could be in a car crash or somehow dead before i even reached home.

these FUCKING HELLISH thoughts are tiring. and my tears become cheaper as these thought become more frequent. i am happy yet my sadness is overpowering my happiness. now, it is hard for me to not cry for a day. there WILL be things  that will trigger these fucked up thoughts of mine. i do not know what is happening nor do i know how to stop it from growing even more powerful. i am tired of shedding tears for things that are just messing with my head. i am tired of breathing and feeling this heavy stabbing pain as i do so. sometimes, i am just tired of simply living.

i know that i am blessed. i am very well aware of that. i know i have a lot of things that others don't and how grateful i should be. trust me, i know. but things like these, are not the kind of things that i can just not feel. i hope you understand. as a matter of fact i need you to understand.

i am still happy with everything that i am blessed with. i really am happy. but i am sad for everything and everyone.

tapi, tiap kali aku sedih, aku sujud dekat Tuhan dan cerita sama Dia dan, let me tell you, the kind of bliss and calmness that i obtain from talking to Allah, is like painkillers. He kills whatever that is killing me everytime i turned to Him. and know, i am addicted to His painkillers and to Him i shall always turn to when whatever it is that i have is killing me.

aku percaya dengan semua yang aku ada, Tuhan tidak akan sesekali beri sesuatu yang hamba-Nya tidak boleh berhadapan dengan. aku percaya pada Dia dan kuasa-Nya. sekali lagi, dengan semua yang aku ada.

aku dah lama tak menulis, tapi tak bermakna aku terlupa bagaimana.

gembira, tapi terlampau sedih. itu hidup aku sekarang.

jazmin.