eksperimentasial.

when i was 24, i married my husband who is a scientist. like any other scientists, they all share the same trait that has made them who they are and that is curiosity. my husband's curiosity is on the verge of genius. his curiosity has the same dose as any other scientist, just enough between sane and insane but my husband fed his curiosity with something bigger.

he studies humans behavior, i, by far was his greatest experiment. i love my husband's curiosity but it was what i love that killed me.

my name was marissa. i was caged. yes, caged by my husband in our basement. we lived in quite a large house, isolated from human population. though my husband research is about humans behavior, ironically, he does not like humans. my cage was not that spacious, but much more spacious than in prison. like i said, i was caged, not imprisoned. the cage was the size of what you usually see a tiger in. yes, that size. and in this cage, i was only provided with water that did not taste like water. maybe he took that water from a puddle somewhere, but that was the only source of food that i have.

let me explain further on what my husband's curiosity was all about. he wants to know how long does it take to bring out the animalistic behavior in a person. i did not volunteer. i just woke up one day and found myself with only my sports bra and panties on, and in a cage. he told me to live then locked me up. like i had said before, the only source of food that i had was muddy water. on the third day, he came to visit me with a piece of raw steak. he did not put it in a plate, he just tossed the raw meat at me from afar and left me to my own devices. at first, i was neglected to eat the raw steak because it was raw, still fresh with blood and warm. but after days of screaming and crying and not eating anything, i was hungry beyond words, so i put my humanity aside and gobble down the raw steak. after that, i sat in the corner of my cage and i cried. but after awhile i stopped because if i waste another tear, i  will die out of dehydration. i can't bring myself to drink my pee that was in a box at the other corner of the cage. i just can't.

i did not know how long i was kept in that cage but long enough for me to lose track of time and date. in seven days, my husband would come down and visit me for only twice. he would come bearing some meat for me to eat. i did not know nor did i care what kind of meat he had fed me with, all i knew was i needed to eat. after a while he no longer provided me with water. one day i surrendered myself and drank my own piss. it was bad. and i cried the whole day.

in the first two weeks when i was caged, i cried, screamed and talked a lot but as time passed by, i no longer spoke a word. all i did was grunt and sigh. 

my husband kept his regime on feeding me well. i did not died out of hunger. sometimes he would start giving me muddy water again. but somewhere along the way, he stopped feeding me. thoroughly. i did not receive any food or water for approximately 5 days. i did my living from drinking my own piss, but after a while, the taste of my urine did not only cause me much greater dehydration that i had felt before but such great hunger. the kind of hunger that cannot be described with words. all i can say is, i laid on the floor, clutching every side of my abdomens that hurt, and curled myself into the tiniest shell i can manage and waited for death.

you might be wondering why the fuck didn't i kill myself. well, i tried. there was this one day when i gave everything up and took off my bra and panties and stuffed them down my throat. i cried through the whole process when i pushed both of my bra and panties through my mouth and down through my throat with hope that these clothes will suffocate me to death. but i guess my husband saw what i did and paralyzed me with something that he shot from afar and took out the attire out from my mouth. since that day, i was no longer clothed. 

continuing on when i was no longer fed for almost 5 days, on the 6th day, my husband came down with another person alongside. but that woman was tied and her hands were already chopped off. my husband threw that woman into my cage and said, "bon apatite." i was dumbfounded. did he expected me to eat this woman? i can't and i wont. but i was so wrong. the smell of her open flesh from where her hands were chopped off smelled so similar to what i have eaten before. i get closer to smell, and i heard the woman begged and begged for me to get away from her. but i can't. there was something inside of me that desired her flesh so much until it overpowered my cognition. then i realized, all these while my husband was feeding me with humans' flesh. something inside me clicked. the demon of hunger controlled me and made me tear her flesh apart bare handed. i used my nails and teeth to tear her to pieces and i cried when the woman cried. and i continued on crying when the woman no longer cried. i ate her clean, cut through her skin, and muscles and eat every flesh that i could get my teeth on. 

then my husband started a new regime, once every two weeks, he would toss a person into my cage. sometimes man, sometimes woman, sometimes an adult, teenager and once, a baby. i ate them all, crying as i do so. i had no choice. i was too hungry. 

my victims sometimes came with chopped legs or hands or both. i think my husband made it easy for me to eat, because they can't fight back. but one day, he gave me a perfectly fine man. that man's eyes was terrified. i no longer knew how i looked. i bet i was not that pretty anymore. 

"please... please don't hurt me." he pleaded. "please." but i just walked closer to him. when i reached out my hand to choke him, he punched me in the stomach. i blacked out for a while and when i woke up, i was already eating his flesh. i guess that i killed him somehow. i don't know. 

but then, he stopped giving me food at all. for 30 days, i went on without food. i came to a solution. with my sharp nails, i tear off the skin from my leg and ate them. i drank all of the blood that spilled from my body. ohh it hurts beyond words but that pain subsided as i fill my empty stomach. after a while, i can no longer eat. i was just dead.

dead. just like that.

my husband's experiment was a success. he made me an animal. beyond animal. he brought out the monster within me. something that i never knew existed. 

i, marissa died with my hands clawing inside my stomach, pulling out my intestine for me to stuff in my mouth. 

i am marissa.

my name is the only thing about me that is humane. please. keep that name. please.

jazminfauzan.

confession: cannibalism. wuttttttt~