Jan

This is about my boyfriend, Fauzan Azim, because somehow along the way i let myself astray, or swallowed whole by the world. For a while there, i lost myself and losing myself had led to losing you. 

There are so many things that i love about Jan. So many. Sometimes until today, there will be new things that i found out about him and love him even more. But i am not going to share all of the things that i love about Jan with the world. Those are for my keepsake. Though i am going to tell you one. And that is, he ie my reality.

What and why do you ask?

As i have said earlier, lately i've been losing myself and i was really scared of a lot of things and my feelings were so fucked up i just can't see myself being me anymore. I really thought that i've truly lost it. Funny how i can lose myself but i am just here all along. I think i almost crossed the line getting depressed again, which something that refuse to be very much. Though i know how much the devil of depression will adore my comeback, i am not going to. But i almost did.

This was when Jan came in. Like in any fairytale i needed saving and Jan saved me by, like i had stated in the above, being my reality.

You see, when the devil of depression gets you, you will instantly get swallowed by the darkness amd even though i embrace the darkness, i do not particularly like this kind of darkness. The kind of darkness that kills. If yiu had read a couple of my earlier post, you will understand what kind of shape i was in. It was bad. But Jan, he woke me up from whatever dream i was having and snapped me back up again. He will raise his voice when i cry, he will not console me when i cry, he will get angry if hurt myself, he will yell when i lose myself. But he did all that to bring me back again from whatever it was that was killing me. He raised his voice so that i will notice him, he did not console me because its the only way that can save me from drifting away, he got angry because i refuse to see the reality but i turned my head elsewhere, he will yell at me because at that time, it was the only way i can hear him.

He saved me from i cannot save myself from. 

He saved me.

He saved me.

He saved me from losing myself.

He beat the crap out of my feelings to make sure i was not too caught up in my emotions.

He saved me.

Jan is my reality.